Unadulterated Arrogance

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Man's best friend.

This is my blog and I don't like anyone else hogging the limelight but I recently came across an article by Dave Barry in the Houston Chronicle about his love for dogs; myself being a dog lover and concurring with all his statements I couldn't resist posting the article.
I'm trying to convince my wife that we need a dog. If we're visiting someone's home, and I suddenly experience a sensation of humid warmth, and I look down and see that my right arm has disappeared up to the elbow inside the mouth of a dog the size of a medium horse, I am not alarmed. I know that this is simply how a large, friendly dog says: "Greetings! You have a pleasing salty taste!"

I respond by telling the dog that he is a GOOD BOY and pounding him with hearty blows, blows that would flatten a cat like a hairy pancake, but which only make the dog like me more. He likes me so much that he goes and gets his Special Toy. This is something that used to be a recognizable object - a stuffed animal, a basketball, a Federal Express driver - but has long since been converted, through countless hours of hard work on the dog's part, into a random wad of filth held together by 73 gallons of congealed dog spit.

"GIVE ME THAT!" I shout, grabbing an end of the Special Toy. This pleases the dog: It confirms his belief that his Special Toy is the most desirable item in the universe, more desirable even than the corpse of a squirrel. For several seconds we fight for this prize, the dog whipping his head side to side like a crazed windshield wiper. Finally I yank the Special Toy free and hold it triumphantly aloft. The dog watches it with laser-beam concentration, his entire body vibrating with excitement, waiting for me to throw it ... waiting ... waiting ... until finally I cock my arm, and, with a quick motion I ... fake a throw. I'm still holding the Special Toy. But WHOOOSH the dog has launched himself across the room, an unguided pursuit missile, reaching a velocity of 75 miles per hour before WHAM he slams headfirst into the wall at the far end of the room. This stimulates the M-size clump of nerve cells that serves as a dog's brain to form a thought: The Special Toy is not here! WHERE IS THE SPECIAL TOY??

The dog whirls, sees the toy in my hand and races back across the room. Just as he reaches me, I cock my arm and ... fake another throw. WHOOOSH! WHAM! I can keep faking throws until the dog has punched a dog-shaped hole completely through the far wall, and the dog will STILL sprint back to me, sincerely believing that THIS time, I'm going to throw the toy. This is one reason that I love dogs.

My wife, who would not touch the Special Toy with a barge pole, is less impressed. Oh, I've tried to explain the advantages of having a dog. For example: A dog is always ready. It doesn't matter for what: Dogs are just "ready." If you leave your car window open, the dog will leap into the car and sit there for hours. It will sit there for days, if you let it. Because the dog knows that sometimes the car just "starts moving," and you have to be ready! Usually the dog will sit in the driver's seat, in case (You never know!) the dog is called upon to steer.

There are many more practical benefits provided by dogs, and I have tried pointing them out to my wife, but she doesn't see it. This is why, in our house, we have fish. They're nice fish, but they're not a whole lot of fun. Although they are excellent drivers.
- Dave Barry, The Houston Chronicle


7 Comments:

  • You're plaigarising buddy. And it's Dave Barry.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12/22/2004 04:13:00 AM  

  • I second that. Dave Barry. Copyright infringement. And the article was originally in the Miami Herald.

    By Blogger Raju, at 12/22/2004 08:09:00 AM  

  • My friend plagiarism is when you take credit for someone elses work.. I have and will never do that.. I have given credit where its due.. once in the beginning of the article and at the end... I don't care to elaborate more.

    By Blogger injinuity, at 12/22/2004 10:50:00 AM  

  • This site defines copyright infringement as 'The distribuition of material protected by copyright restrictions without a author's permission'

    You are guilty of copyright infringement, since you did not take the author's permission. Doesn't matter if you gave him the due credit. Not plagarism, but copyright infringement.

    By Blogger Raju, at 12/23/2004 08:54:00 AM  

  • IT is still plaigarising. You cannot publish somebody's copyrighted article anywhere other than where it was first originally published without the consent of the author. Dave Barry could have a serious issue with you, if he does come across your post. Arrogance is fine if you are wise, not if you are bone-headed!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12/25/2004 07:34:00 AM  

  • Okay, you can stop bugging him about plaguerism now: what's done is done. I love it when idiots horde in to repeat what's already been said, and notify what's already been notified.

    I like dogs as well. I've lived with 1 or two more whole life. Dogs are friendly, and usually well behaved. My dog, seen at http://xxos.us/pod/image026.jpg , is friendly, kind, lazy..and carries all of my personalities. Dogs will be like your children, they'll mimick you, they'll act like you, because they want to BE you. To them you are a god sent from heaven to be there for them, and they'll do the utmost to keep it that way. Don't know how Fern would though..She's so lazy she can't get out of her own way..But then again, I'm almost as bad.

    My brother just got a cat, and I admit, I like it. It's a minx, it's got 6 toes on one paw. She's very friendly; the first cat I have ever been with that hasn't tried to murder me.

    Of course there are bad dogs--but they usually have bad owners. I hate to say that I am the owner of my dog, but I am. To me we're just very close friends.

    -Xbot, XOS

    By Blogger Xbot, at 12/25/2004 12:31:00 PM  

  • Nice to have idiot friends as well, I suppose.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12/29/2004 04:24:00 AM  

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